Colbert Tells College Graduates: Get Your Own TV Show

By E&P Staff

Published: June 04, 2006 10:30 AM ET

NEW YORK At the close of his commencement speech before 250 graduates (and 4000 others) at tiny Knox College in Galesburg, Ill. on Saturday, satirist Stephen Colbert left them with a piece of advice: Get your own TV show. "It pays well," he observed, "the hours are great and you have fans. Eventually, some nice people will give you an honorary degree for doing jack squat."

This advice could be crucial, for earlier he had observed: "I don't know if they've told you what's been happening in the world while you've been matriculating. The world is waiting for you people with a club. ... They are playing for KEEPS out there, folks."

Colbert, who slipped in and out of his rightwing blowhard TV persona on Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report," received an overwhelmingly positive response compared with the mixed reaction at the recent White House Correspondents Dinner. Afterward, two of the school's alumni presented him with a purple "Veritasiness Tour" t-shirt (which translates, very roughly, as "truthiness").

He had opened his speech with: "My name is Stephen Colbert, but I actually play someone on television named Stephen Colbert, who looks like me, and talks like me, but who says things with a straight face he doesn't mean."

In that vein, Colbert considered the immigration debate: "It's time for illegal immigrants to go -- right after they finish (building) those walls." People keep saying immigrants built America, "but here's the thing, it's built now. I think it was finished in the '70s sometime. From this point it's only a touch-up and repair job."

His suggestions for securing the U.S.-Mexico border went beyond walls to include moats, fiery moats and fiery moats with fire-proof crocodiles.

He added that the border with Canada also has to be secure so Canadians cannot bring their "skunky beer" into the country. He backed English as the official language of the United States -- "God wrote (the Bible) in English for a reason: So it could be taught in our public schools."

Noting the college was founded by abolitionists, Colbert came out against slavery. "I just hope the mainstream media gives me credit for the stand I've taken today," he said.

Recently picked as one of the 100 Most Influential People by Time magazine, Colbert quipped: "If you do the math, there are 6.5 billion people in the world. That means that today I am here representing 65 million people. That's as big as some countries. What country has about 65 million people? Iran? Iran has 65 million people. So, for all intents and purposes, I'm here representing Iran today. Don't shoot."

Colbert, 42, graduated from Northwestern University in Evanston 20 years ago. He said that instead of a diploma on his commencement day, he got a scrap of paper, which informed him he had an incomplete in one class. He said he happily waved it in the photos with his parents that day. At the next graduation, half a year later, he didn't receive his diploma because of a library fine, he claimed.

He closed his speech on an apparently semi-serious note, urging the grads to learn how to say "yes." He noted that saying yes will sometimes get them in trouble or make them look like a fool. But he added: "Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blinder, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

"Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. Yes is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

"And that's The Word."

Last year's commencement speaker, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) had sent Colbert this welcoming message:

"Stephen, Congratulations on being asked to speak at the 2006 Knox College Commencement. This is an enormous honor and on behalf of the people of Illinois, I'd like to welcome you to our state. As you know, I was invited to speak at Knox after my keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention and subsequent election to the United States Senate. Your convention speech must also have gone really well to have been invited. It's weird that I didn't read about it somewhere."