As Bagel-Makers Go, These Guys Are Toast!

In the land of the pseudo-bagel.

So much is done with smoke and mirrors these days that it's hard to distinguish the truth any longer. A lot of things bother me, but one of my biggest complaints has to do with these pretend bagel-makers who don't have a clue what a bagel is all about. They don't think they have to study the pyrotechnics of bagel making and that all they have to do is tough it out.
Well, I have a lesson for you Mr. Pseudo-Bagel Maker, Mr. Bagel-Maker who has never been near a Torah in his life, you, my friend, have a lot to learn.
After tasting your pretend product that tastes more like a roll, and a crummy one at that, with a hole in it, we really need to start at the beginning.
First of all, put this down in big print in front of your oven. No self respecting bagel eater eats blue-berry bagels. That's a 'no-no' from the very beginning and gives you away. Who would go into a place to begin with that advertised peanut butter and jelly on a bagel? That's the equivalent of blasphemy; it is simply outrageous. It's like asking for a corned beef on white with mayonaise; it would even cause Woody Alan to think about the very foundations of his faith.

A lot of people make the case for the New York water that differentiates one bagel from another...but I know for a fact that there are other elements in the equation. Most of these pseudo bagel makers think that they don't have to boil a bagel to call it a bagel. Well, if you want to get bagel lovers to get up in arms try that in New York; you would become the laughing stock.

Secondly, to be a real bagel, a bagel has to be coated with egg whites...
For your information, a true bagel is boiled and then baked before it can be called a bagel. And it does not have blueberries, strawberries or huckleberries in them...

And let me also say that putting the word bialy on something that doesn't even bear a resemblance to that most august food product is a downright violation of biblical law.
You thought that David slew the Giant with a stone; that's all myth. He actually killed him with one of his mother's bialies made doubly potent with home-made chopped liver that lived under his heart until he died...Jewish men did not get their power to overcome the Heathens by bread alone but because they survived the bialy test of manhood. Anybody who can digest a good bialy deserves to win a War...so don't get involved with things that are over your head, my friend, unless you are willing to make the penultimate commitment.
. And no matter what the politically correct may tell you, dunking your bagel with fish on it is considered alright but somewhat barbaric outside of New York... if you are going to have meat on your bagel, do not eat your bagel with a glass of milk......Here's a few other tidbits for your edification: White fish is not really white fish; lox is not made by Yale; and black cod is not black cod at all but the best fish in the world to put on a bagel; they go together. I have to stop now because I am hypoglycemic and I must get my blood sugar up...
And that is enough of a lesson for one day...