A Pythonesque Tribute to the Iraqi Army's State of Readiness

General of the Army speaking to Meet the Press…
This is not quite verbatim.

By les Aaron

General; We understand that you are experiencing some trouble with the Iraqi troops…

General: Yes, to answer your question, the sniveling Iraqis don't seem to understand the American's soldier's commitment to mission...

Reporter: You mean that cut and run reputation that we’ve been hearing about?...

General: Well, we hate to use that comparison but it does seem that unfortunately they do not all have "the right stuff..."

Reporter: Meaning that we have not prepared as many combat ready units as originally claimed? ..

General: Well, as you know, the original estimate was for three combat battalions.

Reporter: Now, you're saying that we don't have three combat ready battalions.

General: Yes, I guess you could say that...

Reporter: How many combat ready battalions do we have then, sir?

General: Well, about one combat battalion

Reporter: We only have one combat battalion ready for duty? ...

General: To be totally candid…well, .actually, a wee bit less...


Reporter: Less than one..?.

General: I guess you could say that…

Reporter: Okay, let me get down to cases. Do we have 600 men ready for combat?....

General: Yes, yes...almost 600 men fit and ready to take on the enemy...

Almost? Yes, 600 men but not quite...

Reporter: Then do we have 500 men ready to go forward to promulgate the will of this president?...


General: Ah, yes, I’m glad you asked. Most assuredly, we have nearly 500 men who are committed to that task...

Reporter: Well, how many precisely then. If not 500, how many? Could you say 250 ready to fight America's battles overseas.

General: Of course, how silly of me to create that impression. Let me check my notes. Ah, Yes,we easily have 250 men; no doubt of that. Almost, of course, if we count the injured.

Reporter: If we count the injured? How many are ready and fit?...

General : Are we including those with missing arms and legs?

Reporter: No...we don't want to include those who are wounded...


General ; Ah, I see. What about those who are shall we say you know a bit older?
You know, the ones having a little trouble standing without a cane or crutches?

Reporter: I wouldn’t think so.

General: Okay then to include those then who may be a little daft?

Reporter: What do you mean a little daft?

General: Well, you know they sing to themselves and cry a lot and cut out paper dolls.

Reporter: I wouldn’t think we would consider crazies as combat ready…


General: Ah, quite right, old chap. Say, old man, Should we include those who have problems and don’t always pay attention. You know, that ADD syndrome?
...

Reporter: No, we shouldn't. Only those who are ready, willing and able to fight...



General: Ah, I think I’ve got it down then. That changes matters doesn't it...I mean we just can’t toss the old figures around anymore, can we?

Reporter: Tell me, how many do we have who meet those criteria?..

General: Hmm, let me see. Ah, yes, I think we’ve got it. We’re eliminating the older ones with crutches and canes. Get rid of those types who cry a lot and cut things out of paper. Eliminate those who sometimes forget to show up, wouldn’t you say, old chap. And we don’t want those who are missing arms and legs.


Reporter: I wouldn’t think so. So, how many.

General: Got you, old man. I think we have it worked out.

Reporter: How many then?

General; Twelve...if we include Abrahim....

Reporter: Twelve?...

General: We'll nearly.

Reporter: Are you mad???

General: No, point of fact, all ten of them trained the day before yesterday before Mohammed
came down with the flu...

Reporter: Oh, so what you are saying is that we have nine men ready to fight America's battles overseas?.

General: Yes, more or less…

Reporter: And you think America is doing a fine job?...

General : We'll it isn't always easy to put together an army from scratch especially when you have to sort them out, you know? And these twelve are very good, old chap. Terribly fierce. I suspect that single-handedly, they are more than a match for the Insurgents.

Reporter: You think twelve men could beat the Insurgency’s best divisions…

General: Ah, yes. Willing to bet on it, old boy….

Reporter: No thanks. Anyway, you must have a solution in mind, general.

General: We just need more time...

Reporter: For what?

General: To work on assembling the strongest military force that the free world has ever seen...

Reporter: I think we just went through that. And at this rate, it seems like it might take some time...

General: Not really; we should be in fine shape in just a little more time. Good men, ole chap, it’s just in the sorting out, you understand….

Reporter: How much time would you estimate, General..

General: Oh, ten or twenty years we should be doing nicely considering how well the program’s going…..And after that, maybe just a few months give or take and we should be in full swing…

Reporter: General, are you sure you’re feeling alright….

General: Yes, quite right. You can count on it. Just Monday, in fact, our strength, in fact, is due to rise by about ten percent.

Reporter: What's happening on Monday?.

General: Abrahim is coming back. He wanted to go to Brooklyn for a falafel and see his mother.

Reporter: Shaking his head, “Well, we are all truly amazed at what you’ve been able to do,. General. In only two and a half years… I suspect that if you keep up that pace, we should see water and energy returned in just three or four decades.”

“General: Yes, yes, how did you know? We’re pushing on that right now…and I suspect that we will be able to meet that schedule if our growth rates continue with the current level of success… Quite right!

Reporter: Let’s leave it there, general. Try some of these; they should help. And now back to you, NBC….

Les Aaron