"State of Disunity Speech"

Rose has gone out to buy my “accessories” that will enable me to sit still for tonight’s State of the Union speech. The first of these is a Universal remote with an oversize Mute button that I can reach from anywhere... even with my nose.
I also have put in my order for some webbing and a Boy Scout Manual so that Rose will understand how to wrap me so that I can’t jump off my favorite chair and deliver a drop kick to the TV. It’s too expensive and it scares the dog!
The third element of my State of the Union Speech “attire” is my new, comfort-designed gag that allows me to either foam at the mouth as I usually do or emit a torrent of expletives without driving the neighbors to circulate petitions!...

That and a bottle of gin with a long straw should allow me to make it through the speech.
And that will be a first!

This will be a test of endurance for me since I have never managed to make it more than two minutes into anything bubble boy has had to say. My wife, usually the archetypal nice and neutral detached citizen, informed me that she hates me since 2000 when “the thing” got into office. I keep telling her it’s not my fault; I don’t intentionally go out of my way to act like this… Let me explain: I would rather be fishing in my case is no exaggeration! But what the Hell can you do. The month I moved down to this laid back area, I attended a Howard Dean meeting… What a mistake that was! I got sucked in and haven’t stopped since. Now, I am obsessed with stupid stuff, like returning America to the rule of law, reinstituting freedoms, maintaining privacy and superficial stuff like that.

I do have one real concern: I might be able to break out! I might break free of the heavy-duty webbing and rip off my gag and then all bets are off. I told Rose if that should happen, quick hand me the meds and dump the pail of water over my head. If that doesn’t work, pull the plug out of the wall and run for cover.

Aside from that, everything’s fine!

Les Aaron