"If I had a hammer..."

The Hammer and the Reporter:

Mr. Delay, known as “The Hammer” is finally facing justice after his questionable fund-raising that allowed him to launder corporate money and re-apply it to his friends and colleagues’ campaigns, thereby increasing his death-grip on the party. No one believed that despite Delay’s arrogance and in your face attitude that he could be tossed off his powerful throne. Recently, he angered many of the opposition through his redistricting of Texas in order to get more of his Republican colleagues into office. Finally, justice is being meted out and it looks as if Delay’s power is quickly slipping away. Here is how he might face up to the Pearly Gates based on an imagined interview with a Heavenly reporter….

Reporter: Say, why are you called "The Hammer" Mr. Delay?

Mr. Delay: Because I come down swift and hard on anybody who gets in my way.

Reporter: Wow! That sounds like tough talk.

Delay: Are you suitably impressed?

Reporter: Not really. That’s really on the low end compared to some of the stuff I’ve seen. But I suspect you are impressed with you, Mr. Delay. Exactly, what kind of hammer are you then...a ball peen, a tack hammer, a claw hammer, a finishing hammer, a rip hammer... You know, each has a different function….

Delay: Errr....I don't give a hoot, you young twerp. What paper did you say you were with?

Reporter: I didn’t! But I will tell you two things: We report on a lot of high level stuff and we are under contract to talk about the truth and the truth only. Anyway, how come you don’t know what kind of hammer, Mr. Delay? Are you kind of handy-man challenged…

Delay: Nobody ever brought it up before. What paper was that? And What are those things you’re covering up?

Reporter: Well, you must be proud of your career to date. And those things are wings….

Delay: Wings? You got to be joshing! You’re trying to tell me you’re some kind of an angel. In this day and age.

Reporter: No, I’m not pushing that angle. I’m just trying to get at the truth, Mr. “No name” Hammer. Anyway, getting back to you, it seems you’ve had quite a career.

Delay: What do you mean?

Reporter: Well, I mean you managed to move from killing spineless creatures to
Leading them.... Sort of a Lord of the Flies scenario…

Delay: Hey, son, that light you give off is kind of blinding. Would you mind taking a step back?

Reporter: Sorry! Everybody complains about it; especially the sinners. Well, you know, can you deny that you are the bug man?

Delay: That was years ago… Now, I’m majority leader.

Reporter: It doesn’t seem all that different to me? From fly swatter to hammer. I suspect that’s some kind of progress……
What kind of hammer was that?.

Delay: Damned if I know, son…

Reporter: Well, maybe Mr. Frist will know.

Delay: Screw Frist; I'm the one that's being investigated.

Reporter: Hold up! Mr. Frist is being investigated and they started on him first...

Delay: Why Frist? I'm more important. I’m Majority leader.

Reporter: You were, sir. Frist is a doctor.

Delay: Why should a doctor be investigated before a hammer?

Reporter: Because he knows what kind of doctor he is...

Delay: Are you making disparaging remarks, young man?

Reporter: No, just trying to be truthful.

Delay: I guessed it. You’re a democrat. Right?

Reporter, Why do you say that, Mr. ‘No name’ hammer ?

Delay: Because you and your kind are guilty of creating a conspiracy..

Reporter: What kind of conspiracy?

Delay: You're trying to make me look guilty.

Reporter: Aside from the glaring paranoia that you share with so many of your ilk, I think you've done a pretty good job yourself.

Delay: What do you mean by that? You liberal bleeding heart types have nothing on me...

Reporter: No, only that you raised money, sent it to Republican headquarters and they sent you back a couple of days later checks for the full amount which you gave to your cronies...That’s honesty and integrity in the bug book? .

Delay: Hey, it’s a matter of survival: Will it be the bugs or us?… I mean you have to do what you have to do.

Reporter: And what’s that? Redistrict all of Texas?

Delay: What county do you live in, son?

Reporter: Why, Mr. Ball Peen, rip your gonads off Hammer?..

Delay: Why are you calling me that?

Reporter: Because you need a name...

Delay: Anyway, I want to know where you live so that I can redistrict you off the face of the Texas map.


Reporter: Ha-Ha! That’s rich. You can't. First of all, you can’t reach where I live. And, secondly, You've already had to give up your day job.

Delay: Huh? Yeah, I guess you're right.

Reporter: Hard to be without power isn't it.
"If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning..."

Delay: Stop singing that son. And don't make fun of me or I will squash you like a bug....

Reporter: Well, you of all people. You were probably good at it.
And since we’re on the subject, was being an exterminator your principal qualifications for this job.

Delay: You have something against exterminators?

Reporter: Hey, did you compete with Arnold?

Delay: I’ll tell you son, I have killed some pretty big bugs in my day.

Reporter: Any with German accents? You must be proud!

Delay: There you go again, making fun just when I’m trying to talk seriously…

Reporter: I was kind of looking forward to having one of those good ole bug conversations… What’s your favorite bug?

Delay: Stop that or I will come back…

Reporter: As what? A screw-driver or a wrench?

Delay: *#^@^#!!*$!!!

Reporter: Is that your last word, Mr. Screw driver!

Delay: What's that all about...

Reporter: Well, I think you're hammering days are over. Now, the screwer becomes the screwee…

Delay: If I could only get my hands around your pathetic little liberal neck...

Reporter: Now, now, Mr. Screw driver I don't want you to have yourself a stroke. Your face is getting red as a beet. You might be coming to visit me sooner than I suspected if you keep this up…

Delay: "Bloody little liberal, faggot...

Reporter: Remember your values, Mr. Screw Driver. You're still a Christian Right Wing Republican Patriot “Bug Squisher” even though you didn’t serve and you lack moral fiber. But you don't want to set the wrong example, do you, sir?

Delay; You little bugger, I will twist my thumbs into your eyesockets; eviscerate you with my bare hands...

Reporter: Woops! Sorry, Mr. Ex Ex Majority leader Screw Driver. I guess once a bug squisher always a bug squisher. Before I leave, since you have the experience, could you tell me what’s the difference between a cockroach and a republican?

Delay: What the Hell are you talking about?

Reporter: One is a bug; and the other wishes he could rise to that level….
We’ll leave it at that!

Delay:I won’t forget that…

Reporter: Of course not, your kind has a tough shell and never forgets anything….
That is, until you get a shot of the Flit…

Delay: What’s that?

Reporter: Let’s leave it there. Anyway, if you get a chance to stop by the Pearly Gates, don’t forget to ask for me before they put you on the elevator and push ‘down.”

Delay: Thanks a Hell of a lot.

Reporter: Very apropos…
.

Les Aaron