My New Year's Resolutions!....Unexpurgated Edition

I've compiled a new set of resolutions as I do every year

One of my first resolutions is always to work to improve my memory which would help me locate my resolutions immediately after I have forgotten where I placed them...

Secondly, I pledge to do my best to get out of bed at a reasonable hour....preferably before noon.

I also promise to help the distillers of the world by doing my part...

I pledge to begin the "cocktail hour" fifteen minutes earlier every year as my contribution to world peace...

i also promise to treat my republican family members with more respect than they're entitled to as part of my increasing generosity of spirit....

I promise to cut back on those things that give me indigestion like listening to Bush before dinner...

I promise not to kick in any more TV's before the election

I promise not to grind my teeth when somebody says something stupid about politics at a cocktail party...

I promise to buy new glasses so that I can watch my diet better....

I promise to stay in Weight Watchers beyond week one...

i promise to find a new word to call my politicians instead of "idiot."

I promise not to say "jerk " after I see one more Abs of Steel commercial...

I promise to watch something other than the Military
Channel, Discovery-Time, the History channel and PBS if only for ten minutes....

I promise to be more accepting of all the dumb asses on the Internet...

I promise that when my class tells me that what happens to society has nothing to do with them, I will not attempt to strangle them as a group...

To ease the burden of alcoholism, I will try to drink more light beer...

I will not supersize anything...

For improved health, I will give up the source of dangerous illness this year: Green leafy vegetables...

This year, I will not retort to my wife that I should go out and get a hearing aid after blasting the TV, that I don't have a problem with my hearing but she mumbles indistinctly.

Next year, I promise not to hide when the tree is to be put up...and the lights assembled...

To help the economy, I have volunteered to donate my job...

The next time we go on a long drive, I promise not to try to educate my wife on science, evolution, biology, Darwinism, GAIA principles, the formation of the Universe, historical imperatives, the causes of the great Extinctions, global warming and higher mathematics including string theory and the theory of M, the theory of everything....

Happy New Year One and All!